Saturnine

For the first time in 18 years the phrase "back to school" doesn't really apply to me. Everybody else stresses about schedules and classes and I find myself just kind of staring blankly, able to sympathize but unable to relate because I am pretty much free of the grip that education has had on me for nearly 2 decades.

I find myself listless these days. I quite literally do not know what to do with myself. I'm finally at the point in my life where I get to decide what to do with it instead of being restricted by family, education, church or any other institution, but all I do is look for control mechanisms. "No way, I can't leave for a random road trip, I'm scheduled five days at work next week." "Can't move out, gotta save money for, um..." For what exactly?

And yet I'm reluctant to tie myself down to any new commitments that would restrict my freedom (namely, a career). I'm comfortable with a low level of responsibility, probably because I feel needed but not so desperately needed that anything would collapse if I weren't around. I still have the option to pick up and move to Russia for a year and my world and the people in it would continue as if nothing had happened. There are always plenty of people who can serve tables.